This time of year is sort of fraught for me. And this is all about me, really. I'm going to explain it all here so in ten, twenty or thirty years when Zoey, Aidan and Griffin are trying to explain to loved ones and friends why their family stopped celebrating Christmas and started celebrating Solstice. Once upon a time Christmas was a magical time for me. Best Christmas memory ever: I was seven or eight. We were living in San Jose. My aunt and her boys, David and Chris (Liane wasn't born yet) were visiting from Spain and staying with us. I woke up a few hours after going to sleep and snuck downstairs past the Christmas tree, where I took note, excitedly, of the Fisher Price Castle, and crept into the kitchen where my aunt and mother were talking. My mom was putting the finishing touches on a handmade doll for me. She looked like a prairie girl and she was the best thing ever. Best Christmas memory after becoming a mother: Probably the first Christmas in our own place. Zoey was 18 months old. I had made an advent calendar that was a tree painted on a piece of muslin. On the tree were 24 ribbons sewn on. At the bottom of the calendar were two rows of twelve pockets and in each pocket was a different ornament to be tied on to the tree each day leading up to Christmas. The ornaments were anything from tiny toys to a tiny handmade list for Santa to an old earring that looked like an ornament to little teddy bears and presents I made to tie on under the tree. It was pretty cool, I must say. The whole family came over on Christmas Eve for fish stew, the fish bought from Point Loma Sea Foods.
There were a few more good Christmases after that, but then things changed. My Dad got prostate cancer and one year on Christmas he was acting really strange. Later we learned that the cancer had spread to his brain and his bones. My cousins graduated from college, moved to Seattle and stopped coming home for Christmas. My aunt and uncle have a second home in Seattle and spend a lot of time up there with their four grandkids. I got tired of "making" Christmas for everybody and not being able to really enjoy it myself. It's exhausting, consuming and I am horrible at being kind, loving and generous to myself in the ways that I am able to do for everyone else. My Dad died in July of 2002 and by 2005 I had decided to stop celebrating Christmas. My Dad loved the holiday. He loved going out and buying just the right present for Zoey and then Aidan. My mom always wanted to get them something collectible, classy, and my Dad would come home with the Hot Wheels race track. I miss that. I miss my Dad.
The year Griffin was born was the last year all the decorations went up, the tree was bought and the plethora of gifts was given. That was also the year that, on December 21, we went to the Helen Woodward Center and came home with Numi. Now, we celebrate Solstice. I talked with Bill and the kids about what I wanted and what they wanted and we were able to agree that, as long as the kids each got a present, they didn't care what we did. On Solstice we go somewhere special - usually Moonlight Beach in Encinitas - and watch the sun set. After, we head to Juanita's for dinner and then home for our Solstice Cake - 3/4 chocolate and 1/4 vanilla - and presents. One each. It works for us. Or it did.
Griffin, and sometimes Aidan, kind of wants some of the trappings of the holiday and I am grudgingly obliging him. Two years ago Aidan decided that he really wanted a live tree to decorate. He and I went to Plant World and disagreed on what to get. I wanted the Star Pine for $30.00 and Aidan wanted the $70.00 pine. He said that could be his Solstice gift for the year so we got both. Later that year we planted the Star Pine in a pot and the other tree in the ground in our front yard. A few weeks later we discovered that the tree was gone! I later found it planted in the green belt on a walking path in our neighborhood. We must have planted it just past our property line and the greenskeepers transplanted it. It didn't do well and recently died.
This year, the day after Thanksgiving, Griffin asked to bring the tree in and decorate it. I said not yet, but Bill said ok and we hauled it in and got out the ornaments. Below you have the results.
I'm still ambivalent about having a tree, even if we call it a Solstice Tree, and was not thrilled to have all the ornaments out. My mom used to buy me and my brother a new ornament every year and she continued that tradition with Zoey and Aidan, so we have quite a few on hand. We also have a Solstice Advent calendar that Anne knit for the kids. Hats and mittens hang from a cord and each one gets filled with a little treat for the kids. The great thing about Solstice being on 12/21 is that the days leading up to it divide perfectly by 3! Each kid gets 7 gifts. We didn't have the calendar up last year because the first year we had it Griffin had the worst time being patient and waiting for his day to arrive and it was a trial for all of us. This year is going to be tough, but hopefully he will rise to the occasion.
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