August 28th: New Family Members

For the last three summers, we have had a family reunion at my second cousin Kelly's house in Temecula.  My grandfather, Raymond, had a brother Henry who was six years older than he was. Henry married Emily and had three daughters, Carolyn, Anne Marie and Louise.  They were roughly the same ages as my mom and aunt and they were pretty close growing up even though, according to my grandmother, Viola, Ray and Henry's mother, favored Henry and his family and treated them better, often to the exclusion of Ray and his family.  Carolyn and Anne Marie each had two sons and one daughter and Louise had two daughters, one of whom is my age.Our families were both living in newly built homes Tierra Santa, a huge tract house development that is practically a city of it's own in San Diego some 40 years later, and Kelly and I started kindergarten together - until my Dad got a job in San Jose mid-school year and we moved.  All of the cousins live within 60 miles of each other and most of the second cousins live nearby so we try to see each other.  My family has almost nothing in common with these families and these reunions are getting pretty boring for me.

They usually fall on a Saturday and I always forget to ask to get off work early, so we usually are only there for a few house. The bright spot is that Kelly has an amazing pool with a slide and waterfall that Griffin loves.  Aidan aged out of the pool this year, as did the other cousins of his generation that are teens.  Bill, Zoey Aidan, Griffin and I ended up in the family room playing Mario Kart on the Wii by the end of the event.  But, we did come home with two new bunnies!  Kelly's ten year old daughter Katherine wanted rabbits and she researched the different breeds and found a breeder from whom she purchased two lop sisters.  She thought they were dwarves, but they seem to be normal sized - as big, if not bigger than Hunny.  Katherine was tired of them and Kelly wanted them to have a good home, so Bill volunteered to take them.

And here they are!  Their names are Daisy (the one with more brown) and Bella (lop with more white.) We're not thrilled with the names, but since our rabbits have the totally LAME names Baby and Hunny, we really can't complain. I told Aidan and Griff they could name them but they haven't settled on anything - yet.  Aidan likes Maurice and Wallace, despite the fact that they are GIRLS.  Griff likes Flopsy.

August 27: The End of the First Week!

The weather  was pretty warm this week and the homework light, so Aidan took the chance to keep up work on his mud  castle in the back yard.  Since Aidan was old enough to  make structures out of mud he has been tearing up the back yard. I used to have hydrangeas, fuschias and roses, among other plants, but now it is mostly overgrown grass interspersed with patches of   dirt and mud.  Last summer he wanted  to dig a trench from one side of the yard to the other.  Bill finally relented.  The little blue and grey bits are Aidan's collection of army guys - another relenting on our part - that we bought him for Solstice last year.

The army guys represent troops from WWI.  The blue guys are the French and there are also Germans and British mixed in.  Aidan had a rough week.  He lost his lunch box - his NEW lunch box!  It is a bone of contention for me as I feel like he loses his lunch box more often than the usual absentminded boy.  Well, he doesn't always lose it.  Sometimes when he leaves it on the bus the rats chew it to bits. Anyway, Aidan takes it really hard when I get upset with his or he feels like he has disappointed me, so this was a tough one for him.  The next day, he lost his agenda and new pencil
case.  

On Friday we let Zoey take the car to school.  There was a dance and a friend of hers was going to Coronado to watch her boyfriend play football and another group of  friends was going to the movies.  She opted for hanging out with Laura at her place then going out to dinner and the movie. On the way to school, Aidan called me to go over his after school plans.  Bill was going to ride his bike to the bookstore where I was working until 4pm, get the car, pick up Aidan and come back to B&N where Kim was bringing Griffin, who had spent the day before and after school at her house as part of our childcare swap.

I was playing the "how much worse could it get?" game with Aidan talking about how his rough week could get even more rough - you know, falling down the stairs at school, hitting his head on his locker, etc.  I don't think I really cheered him up, though.  Then, a few minutes later he remembered that he had homework in his backpack that he needed to finish so Zoey pulled over into a parking lot and he grabbed it out of the trunk. When she was backing up to leave a palm tree jumped behind her and, sadly, she hit it.  She claims that she hurt the tree more than the car and if that is true I am actually quite concerned for the tree.  The car has a 6 inch by 6 inch scrape/dent on the bumper that Bill is not too upset about, so I guess all is well.  Interestingly enough, all of my major car crashes, except one, have been while backing up....

August 25: First Day of School for Zoey

Zoey doing a doodle game at the retreat

Zoey's senior year began with a retreat in Ramona, about 20 miles from our home.  It was just an overnight stay and the seniors got to come parading into school the next afternoon playing wacky instruments.  Zoey had Aidan's banjo.  Zoey's closet friend from her first two years at LJCDS, grades 7 and 8, returned to LJCDS after three years at La Jolla High.  During those years, she wasn't the best long distance (25 miles) friend and Zoey had her heart broken a little bit.  She tried to keep up, but it wasn't mutual.  So, now she is back and hanging with a sketchy crowd, a few cheerleaders, etc. Not Zoey's social circle.  It's going to be an adjustment for Z to have her back and figure out how to have a casual, passing friendship with someone who once meant so much to her.  On that note, another friend who Zoey was very close with throughout high school has drifted away but still acts like they are as close as ever.  This girl has always been a compulsive over achiever and do-er, staying up past midnight most nights working on homework.  She was late to the retreat because she was finishing her last day of an internship, for what, who knows.  Zoey is a bit like a guy when it comes to personal details....  Anyway, she feels awkward around this girl as well and is feeling a little emotional ache as she learns to navigate these changing friendships while being true to herself.  And her true self is a genuinely nice one who doesn't like to be indifferent to others, but, she is realizing that she can't put herself out there and expect any returns with these people either.

Charlene, Zoey and her co-editor-in-chief Adrienne at yearbook camp this summer (Pepperdine)

On top of that, she was in tears yesterday because she learned that, not only is the musical this year going to be a review, it will be put on in the winter, thus conflicting with waterpolo.  This conflict occurred in 10th grade and, although Zoey got permission from the dean of students to do a sport and perform in the musical at the same time, the director, Mr Goh, the dance teacher, did not cast her.  She was devastated but knew that he probably didn't want to deal with a student who would miss rehearsals for games.  So, she feels like she has two strikes against her this year.  Again, another learning experience for her and us.  My first response was to step in and send an email to someone, but I quickly realized that she has to handle this on her own and might have some cachet being a senior.  I also told her I would go in and act like an entitled rich person and demand that she be cast since we are paying (half) of the big chunk of money that is tuition.

Zoey's schedule worked out so that she has two free periods this semester and one free next semester.  At first Bill and I thought this was crackers, but she explained to us that most kids have free periods as seniors, even the dedicated students - except her once friend.  After we calmed down and stopped yelling about getting out money's worth, she explained that one of the periods would be used to work on the Palette, the school newspaper of which she is Editor-in-Chief this year.  She is also the Co-Editor-in-Chief of L'Esprit, the school yearbook.  And she has to writer her college applications this semester.  Two free periods began to sound like a VERY good thing.  Zoey also has some laziness issues and often needs to be told to get off facebook and get some work done, be it school work, cleaning her continuously messy room or going to the gym.  Since I don't work on Mondays and Wednesdays right now, I figured I could afford to let her have the car on those days occasionally and maybe Bill could ride his bike to work sometimes as well.  This means that, when driving herself, she can arrive at school as late as 10 am on Wednesdays.  I am sure she would like the chance to sleep in once in a while, and her brother would like the chance to not ride the bus, but this is going to be a privilege she has to earn by keeping up with her actual life instead of avoiding it for her cyber life.

REGIME

Speaking of her life, she was part of a really amazing event this summer.  Her longtime friend, Matt, is a drummer and Disney freak.  He started a band a few years back called Regime and Zoey has been a back up and co-lead singer off and on.  Matt decided to do a charity night for the Make A Wish Foundation featuring local performers as well as teachers from LJCDS who write and sing their own songs.  It was a very cool night and I do not really like music, least of all live music of all kinds.  Follow this link, Concert for Wishes, for the description in the San Diego Magazine Event listings for the month...  After expenses, they raised over $4000.00!

August 25: Second Day of School for Aidan

Aidan is taking musical theater as an elective and he tried out for a part in the middle school production of Once Upon a Mattress.  He has to sing and dance and he found out today that he got the part of Prince Harry - probably the second biggest part.  Modest as he is, he said that there are only three or four boys participating and he was guaranteed a big part.  Nonetheless, this is his first return to the stage after his stunning portrayal of Malvoglio in Shakespeare's Twelfth Night in 5th grade...

Also, Aidan is considering switching from the baritone to the tuba this year.  This is his second year as part of the Blue Notes, a middle school jazz band that plays at sports events, besides being in the orchestra.  Not sure how this will work as the baritone is already quite unwieldy.

Bill just told me that we need to buy a mouth guard for Aidan by the end of the week - he's playing football as his sport this season.

And he's getting braces any day now.

And glasses, just for distance.

Aidan picked these first and stuck with them even though I made him try on 20+ pairs.  Everyone loves them.  I think he looks like Professor Jones from Raiders of the lost Ark.  Or maybe John Lenon.  Everyone else says Harry Potter...

Pictures to follow.

But, for now, Aidan and his kindergarten teachers on the last day of school, June 2005.  Mrs Moreno, on the left, retired that year.  Mrs Mercurio retired last year, even though she PROMISED to wait until Griff was in school before retiring.

August 23: First Day of Kindergarten

I stayed in bed as long as possible this morning.  I just didn't want the day to start.  Not because I am sad that my baby is going to kindergarten, but because I feel so guilty that he is not going to get the educational experience that Zoey and Aidan are getting in private school and also because he is not, has not gotten the "mommy time" that the other two did.  Aidan left North Broadway after second grade,  five years ago.  When we pulled him out he had been through a very tough second grade year where he was one of the two smartest kids in a class full of kids with some serious issues going on.  He spent a lot of time in the corner working on his own.  His teacher was a great person and tried her best, but there was no way to meet Aidan's needs that year.  Socially it was tough on him too.  He spent a lot of time walking around the playground alone.  He liked to dig in the sand but the ladies on yard duty stopped him.  I am sure that that was a unique year for Aidan and things will be better for Griffin.  At least in kindergarten.  The nice thing is that, even though it has been five years, the principal, librarian and some of the teachers remember me from the reading and art volunteer work I did all through Zoey's 6 years there and Aidan's 3.  They have welcomed me back very warmly and I look forward to doing a little volunteering.  The downside is, now that I work more, Griffin will have to go to after school care which is offered through the YMCA.  It is housed in a very shabby little bungalow that sits on the school grounds.  The carpet and walls are dingy and dark, the toys are old and dirty.  The people who work there are overweight and sweaty and probably underpaid.  But that Miss Peggy sure is nice.  Gotta give her that.  I still feel deeply guilty.  That is why I am making a point of spending more time with him - even if it is just watching Avatar:  Last Air Bender with him when he asks and I am definitely going to be firm about reading a few books before bed and no more falling asleep in front of the TV.

THE CUBBY!

School starts at 11:00 am and is over at 2:26.  Barely enough time to get anything done, really.  I guess I could go to a movie if I timed it just right.  We spent the morning trying to get Zoey out the door to her overnight Senior retreat.  She drove herself to school and Bill is currently riding his bike to La Jolla to retrieve the car.  Tomorrow is Z & A's first day of school.  Back to waking up at 5:45, packing the lunches, seeing Bill and the big kids off at 6:30, walking the dogs, showering and heading out the door for work by 8:00 am. Maybe later.  That school parking lot is a nightmare twice a day, so I really owe it to myself to avoid driving there at drop off and pick up times.  The funny thing is that the school is about a block from our house but because of the layout and road that borders our house and the school we have to walk about 5 blocks around the perimeter of the school to get to the entrance.  If we just cut a  hole in the fence that separated our property from the private road we'd have a short walk to the kindergarten playground.  After Zoey left, Griffin, Aidan and I did our own things (watching TV and playing Playmobils, playing a computer game, writing) until my mom (from now on known only as Nonnie) showed up and it was time to walk to school.

Mr Swanson telling the kids to wave goodbye to their parents - without looking back

Griffin's classroom is the same one Aidan had.  Aidan's teacher retired this year, but Griffin is lucky enough to have a male teacher with 37 years teaching experience.  As Mr Swanson said in his talk with the parents, "I am probably older and more male than you were expecting in a kindergarten teacher." Aidan said that the room seemed so much smaller than he remembered and we forced him to sit in a tiny chair and smile so we could take his picture.  Nonnie and Aidan cleared out and I was left with a room full of parents and little kids.  Most of the parents were younger than me - or, I should say, the age I was when Zoey started kindergarten.  Lots of flame and tribal tattoos on the guys/dads, some more delicate suns and cursive words on the ladies.  A handful of Spanish speakers and a translator.  One or two people who might be my age.  There was a couple, the parents of Oliver, and the mom looked my age - actually thought she might be grandma since the dad looked so young.  The dad was this squat, muscular guy who looked a bit like he could be from the Jersey Shore.  Little spiky crew cut, aviator sunglasses, gold jewlery, jeans and a t-shirt.  Anyway, his kid looked just like him, but was pudgy instead of muscly.  I could tell that old Oliver was going to be a firecracker right from the start as he fidgeted on his carpet square while most of the other kids sat quietly.  Surprisingly, at least 4 parents and kids rolled in late - one family almost 45 minutes late - on the first day of school.  This day parents were also asked to attend a 75 minute informational meeting. Mr Swanson started the day as all kindergarten teachers across America have for years, by reading The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn.  It's a pretty smarmy book about  a raccoon boy and a raccoon mommy and the first night of school - raccoons are nocturnal, remember?  Mommy kisses his hand and tells him to place it on his heart and remember her when he feels sad and she will do the same.  Old Oliver must have asked when recess was at least 5 times during the 10 minutes it took to read the book.  Mr Swanson was always cool with his response, sometimes ignoring the kid, sometimes telling him that it was not for a while and he would let him know.

After the parents were dismissed I took myself over to the library to see Ms Grenig and offer up a big pile of review copies I didn't need anymore.  Then I went to the Y, which smelled of Lysol.  Miss Peggy greeted me - she remembered us from the beginning of the summer when we checked the place out.  I handed over a chunk of money and paperwork and was good to go.

On the playground. That's the camera case on Griff's head.

Despite my misgivings and feelings of guilt, it is pretty cool to have Griff at the same school that his big brother and sister went to.  And, in a few years, hopefully, he will move on to the other school his big brother and sister went to.  Aidan's 2nd grade teacher, Ms Sheralynne Taylor, is now a kindergarten teacher and teams with Mr Swanson. The morning and afternoon classes overlap by about 30 minutes, but the two teachers are always in the room helping each other out.  Mrs Taylor gave me a big smile and a hug when she saw me and then went on and on about what a little duplicate of Aidan Griffin is.  We hear this all the time, from the day Griff was born practically.  I think that they look pretty different, but I guess I see them often enough to notice that.

Same tiny chair, seven years later.

  

Z & A: first day of school August 2004 

Z & A: first day of school 2010

And, just to prove that Aidan and Griffin look almost nothing alike:

Aidan, December 2004 age 6.3

Griffin, August 2010 age 5.11

Boring Back Story: August 22, 2010

My new MacBook and my workspace, aka the kitchen table

Right now I am sitting at the kitchen table and the house is quiet, except for the ceiling fan that wobbles and swishes as it turns.  There are so many other things I should be doing right now, but this is important.  I realized a while ago that this upcoming (school) year is going to be a very momentous,milestone sort of time for my three children.  Zoey, who turned 17 in June, will be a high school senior.  Aidan, who turns 13 in September, will be a 7th grader and Griffin, who turns 6 in September, is starting kindergarten tomorrow.  I want to remember this year and I know I won't be able to recall much of it without words and maybe a few pictures to help me out.  Already having a blog, this seemed like the best way to keep a verbal scrapbook.

It feels like we are always living our lives in a state of low-grade chaos, planning and re-planning, arranging and rearranging our lives to fit in everyone's needs.  One of the biggest reasons for this (besides the gaping age differences between all three kids and the fact that Bill is a high school teacher who works full time and I am a bookseller who works almost full time) is because Zoey and Aidan attend a private school about 30 miles from our home.  On school days, they wake before 6:00 am, are out the door at 6:30 and on a school bus at 6:45, arriving at school an hour later.  They get home at 4:00 pm, 5:30 if they have after school sports, music or theater and are riding the late bus.  Usually, things run pretty smoothly.  When Bill and I need to be at school, however, things get messy.  Mostly, this is because of Griffin.  He was born the year Zoey started at LJCDS and he has been the reason that Bill and I tag-team parent.  One of us, usually me, the more socially inept of the two, stays home with the baby while the other one drives the kids around, interacts with the parents of other students, administrators and educators and watches the performances/games/etc.

Zoey got her driver's license in December of 2009 and a few months later was driving herself all over the county.  We live at the north, inland edge of San Diego county and Zoey has had a job for two years now working in Balboa Park at the SD Natural History Museum as an assistant to Ms. Frizzle (Magic School bus) who does two science themed shows every Sunday at the museum.  The first year, we drove her to work, using it as a good reason to get out of the house and go to the zoo, museum, park, beach, aquarium, etc.  This spring, we let Zoey drive herself to work and other commitments and social outings with friends and she has proven herself to be a good driver, although I still make her text or call every time she drive somewhere.  The other great thing is that Bill likes to ride his bike and, when conflict arises he can usually resolve it by riding to work. Usually, though, that leaves someone else hanging, whether it's Griffin at school or Aidan at the bus, there is always a loose thread.

A great example of this is last Friday. I worked from 9 - 5 and Bill from 7 - 3 and Zoey and Aidan had to be places and do things.  Although the school year hasn't started, Zoey had a Peer Counselor meeting and wanted to visit with a friend who lives nearby afterwards so they could rehearse a song to perform at the talent show at the Senior Retreat a few nights later.  Aidan needed to be at school to audition for the school musical (Once Upon a Mattress) in the morning and agreed to hang out with Zoey at her friend's house after.  We were all slapping ourselves on the back in congratulation for working this out so well when I realized that we didn't have anywhere for Griffin to go, anyone to take care of him.  I scrambled, found a friend he could stay with for a few hours and Bill said he could be at school with him during his prep period, so it all worked out in the end.  Until I got a phone call at work at 4pm from Bill telling me that the car wouldn't start and he was driving to La Jolla to help the kids...  Seems that Aidan, who, as it turns out, didn't have auditions, spent a couple of hours sitting in the car with the air conditioning on waiting for Zoey to finish up.  When she arrived, the battery was dead.  Bill was heading down to jump the car, but a friend on campus helped out (with a self-jumping device that Zoey now thinks we should invest in) and Bill never had to leave Escondido.  That is a perfect example of how things come together, fall apart and come together again in our lives on an almost daily basis.

I know that the year ahead will mean a lot of time away from home for Zoey, between school, madrigals, water polo, voice lessons, work and friends.  Although she complained of boredom at first, that is pretty much how her summer went and we saw very little of her.  I was thinking about this as I was driving to my therapy session a few weeks back and I started crying because I realized that 18 years is not enough time with Zoey - she is such a wonderful, loving, interesting person who is changing every day and I don't want to miss those changes.  But, ROOTS AND WINGS.  ROOTS AND WINGS.  I know she will go to school on the East Coast, or Chicago, for sure and I will only see her on holidays, and that makes the ache of this year a bit more achy.

Aidan, who is actually home right now, opting to have some of his beloved computer time rather than accompany Bill and Griffin to Balboa Park or the beach as they take Zoey to work and Griffin gets some needed one-on-one time with a parent.  Also, in an hour or so, I have to take him out to buy some new tennis shoes and then drop him at a friend's, with whom he will attend a play at the Old Globe.  The friend lives about 25 miles away.  I hate to drive anywhere more than 15 miles away.  It takes too long, it's boring.  I would rather be reading a book or reviewing a book.  But, we have to make sacrifices for our kids to have social lives, Aidan especially since he can be a bit of a homebody.  He is probably my least challenging child right now, and the most like me personality-wise.  I feel a bit like he has been on my journey with me and gets where I'm coming from and really wants to meet me at least half way.  I've struggled with anger and intimacy issues and have not been very guarded about it around the kids.  Bill and I have gotten in some pretty loud fights with good regularity over the last 4 - 6 years and, even though we know it upsets Zoey especially, we have not tried to hide it form the kids.  But, Bill has been in therapy, we have gone together and I have been going on my own intensively and things really are getting better.  Aidan is always there to listen and ponder along with me when I share an insight or tool learned in therapy or elsewhere.  He is the philosophical one who is interested in why people do what they do and tries to respect everyone's needs and express gratitude - which is a big deal for him since he was quite shy and quiet for many years.  Zoey calls him Mumbles.  When he started at LJCDS in the 3rd grade, working with him to get him to speak up was the biggest challenge for his teacher.  Also, he has probably had to make the most adjustments since Griffin was born.  He's had to share his room, his books, his toys, his interests, his TV and computer time with Griffin.  Aidan has always been crafty, making boats, houses, tanks, etc out of popsicle sticks, and has had to learn to clean up after himself so Griff doesn't get into his stuff.  This year, Aidan will get braces, start wearing glasses (for distance) and, finally, we are letting him get a gaming console.  He spends so much time playing his military-civilization-strategy games on the computer that it seemed like he was most likely to divide his time, rather than increase it, if we let him get an Xbox.  So, come September 20, we will be letting the beast into our home - something we always prided ourselves (probably erroneously) on.

Griffin.  Poor Griffin.  I hate writing that, but it's the truth.  I think that he loses out the most in this family and, unfortunately has developed some really negative coping mechanisms to deal with the lack of attention, or lack of consistent, uninterrupted attention that he gets from any of us.  In many ways he is like an only child growing up in a house with 4 adults.  By the time he was old enough to be aware of what's going on in the world, Aidan had out grown playing with toys.  Of course, that doesn't mean we don't have a ton of toys.  And we keep buying more - Playmobil and Lego, mostly.  But, Griff has never been great at playing on his own for extended times - which is what we all would really like him to do so we can pursue our own interests...  I didn't work as much when Zoey and Aidan were little and each of them only attended a year of preschool before starting kindergarten.  Griffin started preschool when he was 3 and 1/2 and, last year he was up to three full days a week.  I know that I don't do the crafty, artistic, adventurous, playful things that I did with the other two when they were little and I regret that. But, that's just not where I am at this point in my life and I have to find other ways to give myself and my time to Griffin, which is hard.  I started a blog two years ago reviewing kids books and it is going really well - I have made many new friends - parents, authors, literary agents, publishers - and I get a ton of free books to review.  But, it takes up a lot of my free time when I am not at work. I really, really love my job, but I may have to cut back this year so that I have more time for Griffin, Aidan and Zoey. I feel like this year I really need to be them.  So, as a way to get attention or cope with not getting quality attention, Griffin is boisterous, demanding, angry, sometimes throws stuff around and destroys stuff and cries and cries.  At least one or two nights a week, this happens at dinner time, which is when all four of us are most often otherwise engaged.  He also, understandably, responds very badly

to the end of attention.  Zoey, and mostly Aidan, will play with him when I ask, but whenever they are done and want to move on Griff has a fit. So, besides starting kindergarten, which isn't really a big deal, I want this year to be about meeting Griffin's needs, finding a balance between his needs and our needs and finding a way to help him be ok with it all.  I know school, even though it is only 2 1/2 hours a day, will help balance him out a bit.  He is in afternoon kindergarten and will have to be in day care before and after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I childcare swap with a friend who will have him on Fridays.  I think, in October, I may drop down to working only 3 days a week so I can have more time for him.

So, there it is.  The boring backstory.  The snapshot of my life today.  What do I want out of this year?  I want to be present for my kids, I want to be part of their lives, be connected to them and really be there for them - dividing myself between work, home and my needs as little or maybe as smoothly as possible. And, I want to have a better relationship with Bill.  We have never really modeled a healthy, positive, loving, supportive, nurturing relationship for Zoey and I am beginning to see how we have failed her. I know that we hurt her with our fighting and inability to be loving and affectionate with each other and I know that in a year she is going out into the world and will have a boyfriend and I won't be there for the ups and the downs, the joys and the sorrows, and I want to send her out into the world of relationships with the best foundation possible. And, hopefully, on top of all of that, I can begin to send out feelers and find a new career for myself in the world of kid's books...